New Advice Column Has Answers For Your Biggest Life Problems

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Dear Wellington and Tallulah,

I would really like to find a life partner so I went on a first date with someone I met on-line. The encounter scared me so much, I’m not even I will ever try online dating again. Meeting at a public coffee house seemed safe enough, but after finding my date and getting our coffee, we sat down together. That’s when he started ranting about his ex-wife. The more he focused on her, the redder his face became and pretty soon he was making really tight fists. He continued ranting and starting spitting out of both sides of his mouth. I wanted to leave so made an excuse about having an appointment. That’s when he said he’d had a really great time and wanted to see me again. I shook my head “no.” and thanked him for meeting me but admitted I didn’t feel any chemistry. That’s when he slammed his fist down on the table and shouted that I had not had enough time to make a wise decision about him. He DEMANDED a second date! Now I’m supposed to meet him for dinner on Tuesday and I don’t want to go! How do I get out of this?

Signed,
Christy Snow

Wellington’s answer:

Dear Ms. Snow,

First off. Stop listening to sappy pop songs and romantic comedies that are brainwashing us into believing that we need a “life partner” or “soul mate” or any other kind of romantic involvement to be happy. The world needs more people capable of finding contentment by themselves or in the company of family and friends.

Furthermore, stop wasting your time and money dating online. You can find more tranquil pursuits. Did you know that you can get used paperback books at library book sales for like .35 cents each? We’re talking everything from pulp novels to the classics. An evening sipping tea, nibbling peanut butter crackers and reading is far more tranquil and rewarding than getting dressed up and awkwardly trying to impress a strange person. You try to hide all of your baggage. He tries to hide all of his baggage… Where does it end?

Most men are either testosterone-crazed idiots or are insecure about not being testosterone-crazed idiots. How can time spent with them compare to reading a good book or, if you’re ambitious, embarking on an area of study of a subject that really interests you?

None of us are living up to our potential, but all of us can try. Hitching your star to some randomly chosen man is unlikely to be the path to self-fulfillment. Do not waste time or effort on going to the date on Tuesday. Either send a simple text stating that you’ve decided not to go or just don’t show. Either way, block his number so he can’t bug you. And disable your online dating account. The idea that you need some other person to “complete” you is a fiction developed by record producers and Hollywood. Sober up and face the real world.

Yours truly,
Wellington


Tallulah’s answer


Hey Christy!

Of course, you want to find a life partner! (Who doesn’t with all that cannabis infused lube on the market these days.) Admittedly, it can really be a crapshoot to meet someone online, especially when you never get the chance to observe how that person behaves in social situations before your first date. With online dating, you never get the chance to meet any of that person’s friends, family or past prison inmates either; not before sitting down to negotiate about romance. So I agree. Online dating can seem intimidating.

That said, do you really want those nine homeless cats at the local animal shelter to become the very obstacle that prevents your enjoyment of a Cleopatra and Mark Antony kind of dysfunctional romance. Do you?

Mark my words! Mark is probing for you just as hard as you are feeling around in the dark for him. That man you met, Mr. Red-faced cranky-pants? He is definitely not your prince charming. Give his phone number to some muscle-bound vigilante and wash his memory right out of your hair. The difference between winners and losers in the game of love is that losers quit. So get back up on your online dating horse and ride, ride, ride, let this last one slide.

Always,
Tallulah

 

Submit your questions to the Tacoma Weekly by email to: tjackson@gmail.com. Anonymous submissions are completely acceptable.

 

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