Bring it to Barb


Dear Barb,

I have recently lost a significant amount of weight and since that has happened, my husband won’t leave me alone. He wants to increase the frequency of lovemaking by three days a week. I should be grateful that he desires me, but deep down I feel enormous pressure to perform or to be interested. I love my husband and he loves me and my weight loss. Do I have to gain weight in order for him to leave me alone? Are my issues normal?

Feeling Regretful

Dear Regretful,

Congratulations on your weight loss! It is, in my opinion, the hardest task for the average adult to accomplish. Most only dabble at the goal and give up because it becomes uncomfortable and a slow process with tiny amounts of evidence to show for the huge sacrifice required. You did it!

You cannot blame your husband for his newly found interest because it is a new you physically. Let’s be honest: The typical man wants an hourglass figured woman by his side, just as a woman wants a slender, handsome man. This is normal in our society.

Look at this as though your husband just bought a new toy such as a fishing rod, canoe, motorcycle or anything he would care about and spend time savoring. He would assuredly utilize that toy every day, or every weekend, prioritizing it as the number one thing to do. In time, however, there is less intense focus on that new toy. The novelty eventually wears off.

Balance is such a big key for a happy life. No one would want to eat a delicious ice cream cone every day if it were offered as a routine; scheduled as a priority over other activities in the day. You would soon no longer be craving an ice cream cone no matter how delicious! On the other hand, how much more satisfying an ice cream cone would be if the circumstances were just perfect such as a

nice, hot day in the sunshine enjoying a walk along the beach with the wind in your hair, your toes in the sand, laughing and holding hands. That ice cream cone is memorable.

Routines can be deadly to any relationship, period! A routine is essentially a habit. Habits are good to remain organized in life, but not in a relationship.

A direct conversation is crucial for you to initiate in order to prevent any feelings of obligation to be attached with your intimacy. Obligatory intimacy will be a destructive game changer. You are smart to be aware of this shift in your relationship since your weight loss and how it makes you feel. It is possible that your husband does not even realize that he has become intense and always on the hunt for your attention.

Gently describe your feelings and underlying pressure, and be specific as to what you want and what your future expectations are from your husband. Your expectations may differ significantly. You can’t change something if you don’t know that it’s a problem. So, talk it out and agree on a direct change of pattern and put it into action.

The old saying “variety is the spice of life” is true. There are a zillion activities to do outside of the bedroom that create a special bond of togetherness and are the best and most advantageous preparation for your alone time. Get a list going on paper of activities and redirect his focus. Men love to have fun! They also want to see you have fun as well!

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